Thursday, May 26, 2011


I haven't done an update on Macie lately and I am feeling a bit guilty about that.  I am in a weird place right now.  My emotions are all over the place.  I am so proud of how far she has come in the past year.  I am proud to be her Mommy.  I love her with every ounce of my being, and I would not change her for the world.

With that being said.....I will say that I am not yet to the "acceptance" stage.  I accept the fact that Macie is autistic, and I know that I can not change that, but you better believe that I am angry as hell.  There is so much "stuff" surfacing on the news about autism, research on autism, what role vaccinations have in autism and all this "stuff" is pissing me off beyond belief.  I was going with the belief that autism is genetic, and that I am not to blame for Macie having autism.  Now I am not so sure what I believe.  I won't go in to great detail, but researchers are uncovering many cases where families were compensated for vaccination "injury".  Many cases involved children that showed "autism tendencies" after being vaccinated.  We chose to do delayed vaccines for Macie from the beginning.  It wasn't because we believed that they caused autism, but we felt the amount of vaccines they give to children at one time is extreme.  We didn't feel it was necessary to inject so many in her little body all at one time.  When she was 15 months old, we did get her the MMR vaccine, but that was the only one we did at that time.   In November of 2009 the big H1N1 "scare" came about.  I was 8 months pregnant with Emma at the time, and I did a lot of research, and a lot of talking with my Dr.  I was torn with the whole situation.  I worked in a restaurant, I was exposed to a lot of germs.  Macie was 14 months old and I was scared she might get it and get very ill, pass it on to me.  H1N1 was killing pregnant women.  My Dr. had a woman who was clinging to life as was her unborn child.  It scared me, and I couldn't decide if it was worse for me to take the chance and not be vaccinated.  Either way I felt guilty.  Long story short, Phil, Macie and myself were vaccinated in November 2009.  Macie had the MMR, and the H1N1 (first round- we never got the 2nd dose) within one month of each other.  In January of 2010 (could have been sooner) Macie stopped saying new words, and was losing the words that she already had.

So.....with all the new research, and findings that are surfacing in the news makes me a little leary.

As I write this post many families in the US are receiving the devastating news that their child has autism.  One in 110 children (1 in 70 for boys) will receive a diagnosis of autism.  There is no known cause, there is no cure.  There is not enough being done to find the cause(s) and/or cure, and it is more common than any cancer, juvenile diabetes, and pediatric AIDS combined. 

All of these facts really piss me off.

It is my job to protect my kids, and I couldn't protect her from this.  I feel responsible, and I will feel that way until someone proves me otherwise.  Of course I had no idea what the future would hold and how, and if the vaccines would affect her, but that decision to "roll the dice" was in my hands.   I have, and will make many decisions in my life that take a turn and don't work out in my favor, but this decision was potentially life altering for my kids.'s a big F YOU to autism, vaccinations, lack of research, lack of knowledge, and lack of information I felt I had at the time.  F YOU!  K, I feel a little better. 

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Blogging rut

I am currently experiencing a horrible blogging rut.
My thoughts, feelings, and life in general are all over the place.  I can't even form two sentences that make sense to anyone but myself.
I have an appointment with the local Proctologist to have my head removed from my ass.  Maybe I will resume blogging after that.
The girls are good, they are just busy.  Neither one of them sits for longer than 2 minutes.
I do have to mention that Emma took her own diaper off yesterday and peed on the floor.  I have a super cute picture of her little buns running around after this incident, but (no pun intended-ha) I will not post it on here, or anywhere for that matter because there are sick people out there!  Sad, but true.
Here are some rare moments where they aren't trying to kill each other.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011


We have been working on getting Emma off of bottles.  It went much smoother than I had anticipated.  The last couple of weeks we finally (don't judge) stopped giving her bottles during the day.  She was only getting one when she woke up, and one at night before she went to bed.  I was putting her soy milk in a sippy once in a while, and she would take a sip, and not be interested in drinking the rest.  I gave her a sippy of milk when she got up this morning, and she finished it with no complaints about not getting a bottle.  So I think we are officially done with bottles in this house.  It makes me a little more babies in this house.  It also makes me happy to not have to clean bottles anymore. 
My baby is growing up!
Emma's latest and greatest.....when she falls down accidentally, or on purpose she says "ooooouch".  So cute. 

Monday, May 9, 2011

Emma- 15 Months

Dear Emma ("Littles")-
You turned 15 months old yesterday, on Mother's Day.  Not sure if I mentioned this before, but once your first birthday passes, I do a "letter" to you every three months up until your 2nd birthday.  After the 2nd birthday, it becomes random when I do them.  Just wanted you to know this so you don't think you are being left out.  I did the same for your sister.
Since I mentioned Macie....we'll start there.  I know that she isn't always very nice to you.  I hope someday that you two will be very close.  I also hope that you are not taking her actions personally.  Mommy and Daddy will explain all that to you very soon.  You love your sister so much, and I know she loves you too.  You just keep doing what you're doing- persistence, patience, and love and I know you two will get along.  You two do share sometimes.  I know you like bringing toys to Macie, you love helping out when we are getting her dressed, or changing diapers.  You will bring her clothes, shoes, socks over.  Whatever we ask you to get, you retrieve it and bring it to us.  You are such a great helper.  You try to help me with the laundry and it's cute and very frustrating sometimes.  I can't sit on the living room floor anymore because you are just too helpful.  You unfold, and try to refold everything.  You help me put toys away, rearrange the fridge, sweep the floor, and you love to vacuum.  Pretty soon I might just have a live in maid!
You are walking full-time now, and you have been for about 2 months.  You have the strangest cutest little walk.  Someone pointed out the other day that you walk like Charlie Chaplin.  You're almost running, and you are trying very hard to climb on things.  You are talking up a storm, and repeat most everything that is said to you.  Most of it is in your own language, but we pretty much know what you're saying.  I love how you say "all done"......aaaahhhhh duh.  You latest and most Mommy and Daddy heart swelling phrase is "I love you" very sweet.  You give kisses a lot, wave bye bye, say "hi" when someone walks in the room, you say "dog" a lot.  You have the most adorable little voice.  You are so silly and giggling all the time.  You do things to get us to laugh like making silly faces, pretending to cough, etc.
You are the pickiest eater I think I have ever encountered.  You WILL NOT eat veggies except for homemade mashed sweet potatoes, and tater tots which I don't really consider veggies.  You will not even go near anything green.  You love fruit, chicken, hamburger, applesauce, graham crackers, saltines, etc.  Your favorite thing is any kind of pasta, or anything sweet.  You got your Daddy's sweet tooth I am afraid.
You are just so busy.  You explore toys all day, you love drawing, puzzles, your ball popper gets you giggling.  You really couldn't care less about cartoons.  You'll glance at one once in a while, but you are more interested in toys, and playing with Mommy and Daddy.
The weather seems to finally be getting warmer, and you've spent some time outside and love it.  You love going for walks in the double stroller with your sister.
You are growing up so fast, and I am trying to soak up ever ounce of this time.  You bring so much joy to our lives.
Love you so much Littles,